Come, come
whoever you are!
Wanderer, worshiper, Lover of leaving.
This is not a caravan of despair.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve broken your vow
a thousand times,
Still and yet again,
Come!
Rumi
(as translated by Coleman Banks)
AA-mazing
Until recently, I had not been a big fan of Alcoholics Anonymous. I held the opinion that ‘those people’ were simply trading one addiction for another. First, they were addicted to booze (or some drug, but then they would be in N.A.; narcotics anonymous). Then it seemed they would become addicted to going to meetings. A better trade off to be sure, but an addiction all the same, according to me.
Before I knew what I now understand, I truly believed that AA was a crutch for weak people who needed a captive audience of other weak people that would tolerate listening to each others pitiful lives. As an outsider, I viewed the few AA members I was acquainted with as limited and obsessed about the twelve step program. I was harsh and critical. “O.K. You’re sober now. Why do you have to continue to go to meetings? Why can’t you live a normal life? Does your world have to revolve around attending a meeting no matter where you go in the world?”
In a word…YES!
Here’s the thing. I recently learned, and am still in the process of learning, about addiction. Man, if you have not been down the road of an addict, you just don’t get it. And I didn’t get it.
I recently brought a friend to a halfway house after picking her up from a detox center. I really thought I had it going on in terms of understanding drugs. I admit it, I’ve taken them. In fact, one summer I made a lot of money thanks to speed. But the moment I began to not feel well, I stopped. It was a rational and logical decision. I didn’t like feeling bad, I believed the drug was contributing to my malaise, so I decided to quit. Easy peasy. NOT!
Apparently, the addiction beast has a life of its own. I am not qualified to write about the scientific research on addiction and the brain. The findings are compelling however, and have helped me understand that addicts are not weak throwaways of society that we should give up on. In fact, I would not want to change places with an addict facing their addiction nor the reasons that contributed to the addiction. Many instances are based on harrowing situations nobody would want to experience: child sexual abuse, rape, continual belittlement from a parent, bullying from peers; the list goes on.
Many of us that used drugs for recreational purposes don’t understand, and thus judge addicts. We are hesitant to get involved. And this is where the power of AA comes in. I called one friend and she connected me to a network of people who knew exactly what to say and do to help get into my friend’s head. I also learned that some people have to reach rock bottom before they change. Almost everyone I’ve encountered in AA has hit rock bottom. I, for one, was not ready to deal with someone who was ‘allowing’ herself to hit the skids. Herein is where the power lies: When I was giving up, the folks of AA were ready to step in. And that is why I’ve changed my point of view about the members of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Who else but an addict is able to help another addict? Again, I am not here to explain AA and how it was founded. What l think I know is that some man named Bill and his friend decided to hold each other accountable and came up with twelve steps in order to achieve and maintain sobriety. The first step is that they had to admit that they were powerless over alcohol and that secondly, a Power greater than themselves could restore them back to sanity! How beautiful is that?! But no matter how soft and fuzzy I think of this institution, the work is hard, real, and takes a tenacious and strong character to get through.
Why do I feel compelled to write about AA? Compassion and honor. I have become more compassionate as I realized that the struggle to fight an addiction is not only one day at a time, but sometimes one hour at a time; even one minute at a time. And to honor the truly brave folks who are facing down their demons through strength and trust of a Higher Power within themselves. But the truly amazing thing I have seen is that AA saves lives, one precious soul at a time.
It is not easy to love yourself if you have never received love. The way I see it is; by participating in the meetings and following the program, an individual is finally acknowledging to themselves, and demonstrating to the world, that they deserve better! Hallelujah!
So let’s cut them a break if some may seem a little overly exuberant. This is their life we are talking about, and it’s worth it!
I guess now is as good a time as any to apologize to those individuals who I did not hold in the highest of esteem. I based my opinion on superficial behaviors and did not take the time to try and understand the pain and suffering you endured growing up. (I just thought the stories of jail and fights and car crashes and betrayal of trust were exaggerated, I mean really, why did you keep doing that?) In my mind, it couldn’t possibly have been true. I am truly sorry for my arrogance and ignorance.
UPDATE: I can’t remember when I left off writing. It’s been months. But here’s what’s happened since. That person I brought to detox decided to leave the half-way house after not even two weeks. Regardless of the hopefull intentions of her mom, (random drug testing, not using her phone, not taking her car, etc.) the woman returned to her drug use. I stopped ‘helping’ her, aka enabling her, because I realized she was a master manipulator. I realized that she perceived my compassion as naivety, stupidity, and weakness. Recently, she attempted to enter my pet door to rob me; luckily I had an alarm company install a motion sensor, and as she entered, the alarm scared her off. As with all true enablers, her mom continues to believe her daughter can change, “If you would have known her fifteen years ago, she was so bright and such a good person!” Caught in the web of delusional hope.
I believe anyone can change (well almost, there are psychopaths who are unable to view the world outside of themselves. They should be removed from society forever. Really.) The apparent problem with addiction is that until you stop, then your whole purpose for living is to score for your next high. That’s it. Finding how to get your drug of choice takes precedence over everybody and everything! It’s a daily ritual.
Unless you can afford professional help, I believe AA is the only viable way to get the support and help you need. If you don’t like the people at a certain meeting, find another location. Nobody can do it for you, nobody can instill in you the will to change. And only you know where the bottom is.
When I began my article about how my mind had been changed regarding AA, I was so ridiculously unaware of the, I can’t even come up with a word, ‘horribleness’ of the grip addiction has on not only the addict, but the people who are involved in their hellish world. I was able to remove myself, though have been impacted financially because of the steps I have had to take to protect myself and my property since then. Her mother and I were friends, but her mom chose to shield her daughter (I guess that’s imbedded in the DNA of humans. I can only hope that during the evolutionary process of humans, the blindness of perceiving your offspring as incapable of doing bad acts will be eliminated and determined to be as useless as a tail).
Compassion is something I refuse to allow that girl to take away from me. Fortunately, wisdom trumps compassion. The folks I met in AA have compassion, but they are also wise beyond their years.
This article was not how I had intended it to be when I first started. Just goes to show how much we need to learn. I hope you’ve gained some insight and understanding. If you are an addict, go find help. Wake up and realize that you are the problem in everybody’s life you come in contact with. Stop making excuses and get your s#*t together.
If you are dealing with an addict (and especially if you’re afraid of them), find Al-anon meetings near you. Stop making excuses and get your s#*t together. Sound familiar? It won’t stop until you take action!!
Live Purposefully,
Lucy
