My Italy and UK Trip

I wanted to announce that I am going to Italy and London, and explain what I plan to do, who I am going to see, and basically make this article light and simple. But of course, my heart and mind have conspired with my fingers, and so I am forced to reveal the truth about my trip. One nice side-effect of the past few years of my personal hell is that my heart and mind are finally working as a team. That was one of my goals, wasn’t it?

During this year of recovery after spine surgery, without my permission or even awareness, I slowly allowed depression to enter my life. It came in stages, because, if it had announced itself, well, I would have slammed the door in its face. If it would have been loud and obnoxious, or obvious and distasteful I certainly would have confronted it; taken a bat and kept swinging until I chased it away, or poured gasoline on it and set it on fire until it became a pile of ashes. Something, anything…if I would have seen it coming.

But it came as a confidant, a pal, comforting me as I slowly retreated from my friends and family. It convinced me I was better off within the confines of my home, just me and it. “You don’t need to answer the phone,” It gently whispered to me. “If you let that friend know you’re home you won’t be able to take your three hour nap. And you know they’ll just nag you to get out and see a movie or go for a walk or join a stupid social group. Anyway, there’s a Law and Order marathon starting, then Family Guy followed by The Big Bang Theory, you know, for laughs. Open up that bottle of Malbec and let’s curl up together.”

For months I continued to allow these thoughts to guide my daily activities, until one day I found myself lying on the couch staring at a blank television set, waiting for another Law and Order marathon to begin; phone ringing in the background, dishes piled in the sink, and stacks of paperwork on the dining room table.

And that was my breaking point. I had to figure out a way to get out of this hole. “This is not me” I told myself. I have only recently discovered that depression can be as silent, and sometimes as deadly, as heart disease. Because most of us are aware of the obvious symptoms of depression, I did everything to hide it not only from others, but also from myself. Especially from myself. And once I became aware that I was behaving ‘like a person who is going through depression and is not admitting it’, I became even more freaked out (though I didn’t let anyone see that either, or so I hoped).

Depression twists your head up, especially if you have always been a functioning human, able to make a living and have contributed to the betterment of society. (Pay taxes, help others start a business, donate to the less fortunate, etc.) And then, because of circumstances completely beyond your control, that part of your life changes. It messes with you down to the core of who you are.

SO NOW ON THE BRIGHT SIDE…(remember-heart, mind, finger conspiracy) here I am, getting ready to go to London and Italy. How did this come about? I’m not working, I’m still recovering from spine surgery, I have a surgery pending come November, and I am in daily pain. What am I about to do???

If you’ve read this far then you’re invested enough to read to the end. In my reality, every person has a unique and different approach to finding ‘their way’ in this life. That being said, the method that works best for me is to absolutely and unequivocally listen to and follow my intuition. When I do, it has never failed me. Regardless of the outcome, if I act on my intuition I understand the reason for my actions.  Life unfolds as it will. Each one of us simply must be who we are created to be. (Has taken me years to realize and accept this) Once you get this, it takes the pressure off.

~~~I’m struggling to get on course, any course, but I’m in the middle of a stagnant lake. No current, no flow, nothin’. What does one do in that situation except frick’n pray for an oar, or a breeze to move you, or someone to show up and rescue you. And you wait, and you try to stay awake, and watch and expect. Yes…expect. Hope is wishing…expectation is faith. It’s much more powerful. And you have to have a little bit of, well arrogance is not quite the word, but that attitude is appropriate. Just goddam expect that God, the Universe, Allah, Source, Yahweh is going to deliver on your need. “Ask and ye shall receive” for goodness sakes.

So one day, whilst bobbing aimlessly in the still waters of no destination,  I checked my email and read a notice from United Airlines Mileage Plus. They informed me that I had enough miles to fly to Europe. I immediately called my friend in the UK and she said of course I could stay at her house. (Haley and David are wonderful friends, and she is the best hair stylist ever!) Then I called another friend in Italy who owns a bed and breakfast and she said I could stay with her. My ex-husband offered to pick me up from the airport and said he’d drive me around the Lago di Garda area (where I lived with him for a while). The only thing stopping me would be fear, and though fear has played a prominent role in my life the past few years, I was not about to let it stop me from this opportunity.

I know this is a terribly long and drawn out explanation of my trip. The reason I am putting this out there is that I feel I am at a turning point in the entire process of finally getting out from under the vise-grip of depression. I am hoping that for those of you who have suffered, and may be in pain now, I can demonstrate that there is a light at the end of that long, dark tunnel. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to do something extreme in order to change the depression loop in your brain. Like Diane Nyad said, “Find a way”.

I hope to capture some great videos of authentic Italian cooking and other areas of interest that will be fun and informative. Wine festivals will be prominent now, as the new wines will be tasted and tested. I hope to go to a local mozzarella factory, and a friend’s bakery. Then to a beautiful church in which one wall is the side of the mountain, the Madonna della Corona. I want to show you my favorite places around Lago di Garda: Lazise, Malcezane, Bardolino. Then of course, a real functioning ‘cucina’, where my friend, Fiorangela, will share some of my favorite dishes; spinach gnocci being one of them.

Some things may also involve the process of my personal transformation. I am being pre-emptive in explaining what to expect because frankly, some folks out there are not interested in psychological human interest stories. Honestly, I have no idea what is going to happen. I just hope you enjoy the journey I am about to take you on. The videos will be uploaded when I return. Sally Sutton, my web designer, (and friend), does all that great work for me. But I will be writing updates of the day’s activities.

Much love and thanks to my dear and loyal friends, my mom and sister Mary Pat, and yes, my ex-husband. I know you knew what I was/am going through. Each of you have responded differently and whatever you did to get me through this, I will continue to hold you near and dear to my heart.

Ciao, ciao and Cheerio,

Lucy

P.S. I am actually already in the UK as I’m posting this. Until the videos are up on YouTube, I hope you check in here periodically. And guess what? I feel better already!! So please, for those of you who have been struggling, I encourage you to take a chance and challenge yourself. If you do, I’d love to hear from you.